3AM Thoughts

A week from now marks a year since I’ve graduated. Since that day, I haven’t applied to any companies, therefore not having any legit job. I have been somebody’s problem, a bum, a lazy person, an embarrassment to my family, whatever else you wanna call it, since then. I feel guilty most of the time that I’ve slacked this long because not only should I be helping in bringing home the bacon to this household (and at this point I should’ve be making more money already), but I feel like an embarrassment, too, having finished college with a degree that’s in demand, or so I think, and yet I refuse to work and give back to my good ol’ parents who have spent so much just to finish my studying.

What’s ironic is that during one of my classes back in college is that I was the one who had excelled best (in portfolio class, my panelist wanted to hire me on the spot but I politely declined.. WHY SELF, WHY?!), and performed best professionally-wise (is that even a term?) in my OJT class.

I have my reasons why I don’t want to commit to working at any company, for full-time, yet. Primarily a health issue is to blame here. Then again, I’m not exactly doing my body a favor here at home since I have failed on my self-imposed “diet” and “sleeping habits” that I should be strictly following. You only live once, right?

I figured this, too, would be a reason sooner or later why I refuse to commit to working full-time: I’m afraid to come out of my comfort zone. I’m afraid that I might not please my bosses, or whoever I would be working for, and it might affect my reputation (word goes out fast in the industry and that’s what I fear the most — a bad rep, attached to my name).

So instead of taking that risky road, I decided to linger in my comfort zone for as long as I can. I may not be working for a prestige company, not even in one company to begin with, but I can still do work. Say hello to the world of freelancing/contractual work! So far I have one legit website that I have done. Its not much but it’s something. I rarely get freelance gigs but whenever I do, like this first, I am extremely thankful because it gives me the opportunity to practice again.

People say I’m good at what I do, that I am skilled.. and talented, and creative. I think so, too, but the industry where I am suppose to be in might not have the same thought. I feel like I still have a long way to go, lots of things I have to learn and put time to honing it.

Just know that I am taking my time. Though it might look like I may not be doing any progress, I’d like to believe that I will get there. I just hope it won’t be too late.

Well, just the other day, I watched a couple of tutorials on the basics of Adobe Illustrator. That’s one software that I never got to master, not even practice using just the tools of it to construct a decent piece of digital art. I’ve always been a Photoshoppin’ kind of designer.

The feeling of excitement of learning something new came rushing back as I attentively watched the tutorial.. it was a good feeling. Perhaps this week I might find the time to watch and follow through a tutorial.. definitely looking forward to that one.